Is that person really who you think they are

John Toomey

I was out running on a beach path this morning. I went past an older man, a heavy-set man of what appeared to be Mediterranean appearance. We acknowledged each other and continued on our way.

After turning around, and on my way back, I went past him again. This time as we acknowledged each other, we shared a smile and a deeper connection. In that moment I could feel him, a huge heart, a profound capacity for kindness. But I also felt an incredible capacity for stubbornness, harshness and unreasonable thinking in different circumstances.

I realised there is profound goodness in people, but when they step into different situations, they slip automatically into a different identity, an identity that gives them operational confidence in that circumstance. The problem is that the switch is so automatic that even they do not notice it. “This is just the way I am!” becomes a controlling belief.

This is sobering. When I think of the labels I put on people, my judgements, am I judging who they are being, in that moment, an identity that may be beyond their conscious control, or am I judging them for who they really are. In most cases, I’d say I am judging an identity and not the true person.

I ask myself, can I stretch further in my perceptions, to connect with who this person really is, or am I going to satisfy myself by identifying who I believe they are being in a moment.

This gets even tricker when a person who, in some identity adventure, may have done some offensive things in the past, but who has taken responsibility, cleaned up their act, integrated the experience, and is now more aligned with who they really are. Do I stop myself from seeing who they really are because of an old judgement that served me once, that I am still carrying with me.

Learning to “Live Deliberately”, as outlined by Harry Palmer, is learning to be more of who we really are and not succumbing to the deception of our own identities, and to realise that other people are not their identities, and that with patience, appreciation and compassion, we can go beyond what appears to be to find the wonderful human spirit that lies beneath.

Thursday July 17^th, 2025

Author

John Toomey

John Toomey -International Speaker, Writer and Thoughtleader.

His background in High Performance Roles in Professional Sport, including 7 AFL Teams, two National Australian Soccer Clubs, and Coach of an Olympic Gold Medallist, brings richness and depth to his presentations.

He holds a Phys Ed degree from Deakin University, did his Masters Studies in Applied Physiology at Victoria University, he studied and taught Human Consciousness as an Avatar Master for 15 years, and has lectured at multiple Universities in PE and Medicine. He served 5 years on RMIT University’s School of Health Sciences Program Advisory Committee.

He’s delivered over 3,800 Corporate Presentations, spoken at Conferences worldwide, published over 1000 articles and essays, completed 4 National Thought Leadership Tours, and appeared on multiple podcasts globally. John speaks across Australia, in North America and more recently, in Europe.

In 1999, John authored Australia’s first Certificate in Wellness Leadership. In 2000 he authored Australia’s first Fitness Industry specific Pilates Teacher training course. At the time, Pilates teacher training operated almost exclusively in the Dance Industry.

He served as a Professional Surf Lifeguard in Victoria, 1978 to 1982. In 1983-4 he played in the VAFA state team and the All-Australian Amateur Football Team.

John is Global Chair of the Global Wellness Institute’s Men’s Wellbeing Initiative, the world’s premier advisory group on Men’s Wellbeing. In January 2026 he was featured as one of GoWell Magazine’s List of the top 25 male voices in Wellness, globally.

In 2021, he self-published his second book, “In it for the Long Haul”, a guide for workers and their families on how to create personal success in the Fly In Fly Out working lifestyle. In September 2026, he published “Masculine Intelligence” a book about men, masculinity and men’s wellbeing.

He is a founding Member of the Psychosocial Risk Institute, and host of the Masculine Intelligence Podcast.

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